Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
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911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Why do meteors always land in craters?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems