Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
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Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
new record!
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.