clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
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me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
That time Alicia messaged me
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.