3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I love it all
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note