Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.