I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
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“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…