People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
You Might Also Like
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
(by @ZachWeiner )
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
this is uni
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.