Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?