ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.