Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Bill is short for Billiam
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life