Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
time for some seasonal decor
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it