Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Saw your ex at the shops
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”