I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama