My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My blood type is b hungry.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…