Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
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As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
i think we should see other cousins
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)