just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Me irl
So inspired right now.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.