*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
HERE’S MARKY
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.