Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
blocked.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*