Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
work smarter, not harder
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?