”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving backš¬
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Sorry, I didnāt mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, theyāre too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
If you stand in the rain, youāll grow quicker.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
āIf you build a lasagna, I will come.ā
– Garfield of Dreams
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: Itās right there on the floor next to my sanity
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That canāt be good.”
āThis, too, shall pass,ā I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badlyā¦not badā¦it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called āAdd Profileā on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later iām still watching
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube