Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
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I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.