the only bumper sticker ill allow
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If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.