Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I’d … I’d rather not.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.