Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
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I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!