work smarter, not harder
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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common