Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
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I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*