If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
*ernest hemingway voice*
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR