Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.