AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
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me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.