(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
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Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
what the hell pray for carter everyone
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.