Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.