WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Alexa, make me look good naked.