Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.