Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
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I’m so full I could puke a horse
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry