Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
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I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Now, where’s the sport in that?
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.