Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
The human personality is made of five key elements
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Danger is very dangerous
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men