Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
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Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.