Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
5 ways to appear taller
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee