You can’t outrun your problems…
You Might Also Like
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
*updates tinder bio*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign