Why does laundry happen to good people?
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?