National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
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Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.