My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.