me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.