her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
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My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.