Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Someone just threatened to call me later
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire