[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
That’s it.I’m out.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
🔦🌙👣
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money