Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Hey i am sexy to you now
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day