[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
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Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Yup….perfect score!
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The first matador
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Best spot.. 😅
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere