Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My dad.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.