me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.